Kids can sometimes feel like little tornadoes. If they don’t like the food being served, they might shove the plate off the table. Not the shirt they wanted to wear? They might throw it in the trash can. Can’t have candy at the store? They might scream and cry the rest of the trip. As parents, when our children act this way, we may blame ourselves or just react out of frustration or anger (and then feel guilt for our initial reaction).
Want to break the cycle? Pause before you react. Sounds simple, and in the moment, it can feel impossible. With practice, it’s doable. We’ve even created some goto phrases that can help not only rein in your reaction but also begin to see the situation for what it really is: Your child having a hard time regulating their emotions.
1. “Something about this is really tough.”
It’s time for homework and your child refuses to finish. They start crumpling papers and throwing things off the table. You’re not quite sure what’s happening because your child doesn’t usually act this way. You sense the frustration, but you can’t seem to find a root cause. If you don’t know what to do next, remember that behaviors like this are often ways that our children communicate emotions that they can’t quite put into words. Maybe they don’t understand the work and are embarrassed to say something. Maybe they have the wiggles and need to take a break. Maybe they’re tired and need to take a nap.
Try and express that although you might not know the reason, you understand that it’s frustrating for them. Accepting it and letting them know that you can see it’s tough for them will not only help them feel validated but help them feel reassured that it’s okay to feel that way. Simply acknowledging that you see their frustration can open the door for them to feel safe to explain what they might be feeling.
2. “We’re on the same team. Let’s figure this out together.”
A simple reminder that you are on the same team as your child can go a long way. Listen. Listen to them. Let them express their feelings. Avoid attempting to reason with them in the heat of the moment. When emotions are high, it can be easy to respond in a tone that only exacerbates the situation. Keep your cool and communicate in a non-confrontational manner. Show them that you care about their concerns and that you want to understand why they are upset. You want to work WITH them, not against them. Knowing that you are on their side can help them feel confident and empowered to come up with a solution that they feel supported by.
3. “I’m here for you. I love you, you’re safe.”
This one is my favorite. It’s simple and works like a charm in helping my daughter calm down from her rage (read: screaming and tears). It’s important for our kids to feel loved, even in the moments they aren’t at their best. When kids feel a surplus of emotion, it can feel really scary. Oftentimes, they aren’t able to put words to what they’re feeling and can become easily overwhelmed by how uncomfortable it feels. When they are feeling those big emotions, remind them that they are safe and loved. Reassuring our kids right away and letting them know we are there for them and that we love them can help their demeanor change almost instantly.
4. “Seems like we could both use a break. Let’s try that.”
Sometimes, the best thing we can do in the throes of anger and frustration is to take a step back and cool down. For both parent and child, it can be much more difficult to curb our triggered reactions in the heat of the moment. When we catch ourselves there, taking a break to collect our thoughts can help us avoid reacting in a way we may regret later. This is a perfect time to connect with yourself, find your center, take some deep breaths, and remember how you can best show up for your child.
It takes a lot of practice recognizing our own triggers and unmet needs, so be gentle with yourself as you work to understand this within yourself!
5. “It’s okay to feel angry. I feel angry too sometimes.”
We are human, too! Remind your child that anger is a normal emotion. And just like all emotions, they’re trying to tell us something–and we should try to listen! Okaying feelings results in children understanding them better and learning to cope more easily with them. Telling them that “mommy/daddy also feel angry at times,” makes anger an acceptable emotion and not an alien feeling that makes them bad people.
Our children look to us to model how we cope with emotions. This isn’t just showing how we cope, but showing that emotions of all sorts are very real, and even we as adults feel them too! Allow yourself to be vulnerable and share with your child that everybody experiences the discomfort of big emotions, but with practice, we can learn to recognize them and see how they help us for good!
Try this: When our children get angry, we can feel helpless and like we have no control, but we do! Remember that if our kids had the tools to calm down, they would. When we can come in with a comforting and understanding hand, we can give them the tools to make them feel safe and seen. If we can calm our children down when they feel those BIG feelings, we can help them transform their relationship with anger.
Having the language to talk to your child about their anger is a great first step in helping them transform their relationship with it. Ready to take another step? Check out GoCharge!, the amazing anger transformation program from GoZen!